The Challenges of Social Awkwardness

THE CHALLENGES OF SOCIAL AWKWARDNESS

So let's get started on shyness, social anxiety and the problems you face as someone who has a hard time with social awkwardness! Maybe you find it extremely difficult to work up the courage to talk to people. Maybe you are confused about social norms and the unwritten, unspoken rules of social behaviour. Maybe you are shy because, deep down, you feel inferior and unworthy of being in the company of others. Perhaps you just missed out on the socialization process that often happens in your teen years and want to catch up. There are lots of different reasons to be shy, anxious and awkward in social situations.

I am no different in that respect. Despite being a Certified Life Coach and having a good understanding of Personal Development, plus having studied Counselling, Coaching, Mentoring and Spiritual Care at degree level, I still struggle mightily every day with social awkwardness.

You might think that a Life Coach ought to "have it made" by now and be totally free of these issues. However, that is not the case. A Life Coach can be fully committed to helping others with their lives and have an excellent understanding of what needs to be done, yet still struggle with actually getting out there and doing it. Indeed, it is that acute awareness of the struggle that makes the Life Coach able to understand the client, empathize and provide appropriate solutions.

So let me brief you on my situation at the moment: I am living in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam, I'm British, 45 years old, married, with one son, aged 13. During the day, I work as a teacher at an English Center run by a national university. However, I struggle with social issues all the time.

At birth, I was normal but when I was 3 days old, I developed epilepsy. Until the age of 6, I was physically, emotionally and mentally abused by my father. I was also teased and bullied at school until I was 16. At the age of 11, I lost all my male friends for a reason I couldn't fully understand either then or now. It seemed like I didn't fit in for whatever reason. For the next 3 years I felt isolated and alone, even though I was living a normal life at home with my family. At the age of 14, I began having sexual feelings but it seemed at first that I was gay, since my mind filled with images of hunky guys with six-pack abs. This went on for 4 months before an interest in women started to kick in. 2 months of thinking I was bisexual went by before the images of men disappeared. Since then, I have considered myself straight.

With no boys to return to, I became interested in girls and so attempted to become friends with them. Nothing much happened until I was 19, when I kissed my first woman. She turned out to be a lesbian (how? Long story - I'll have to tell it to you maybe another time!)

By this time, I was suffering from stress and would regularly feel nervous and anxious, dropping things and having a hard time controlling my emotions.

Then I discovered I was good at massage. In particular, although I was happy to massage anyone, I found that touching women was a great way to remove the stress. I wasn't interested in doing anything sexy. If I had been, I would have been kicked out by the client, so it was important to be professional. I felt a lot better and my anxiety improved.

Later I travelled to Vietnam and got my first girlfriend, who is now my wife. Here in Vietnam, massage has something of a sexy image, so my wife asked me to give up that job when we got married. I thought that was reasonable, so I did. I then became a teacher and starting teaching English at a high school.

A combination of a language barrier and taking care of a young baby meant that I chose to stay at home. I didn't go out with other foreign teachers, feeling that this wasn't fair on my wife. I didn't want to leave her at home alone, while I went out socializing with a bunch of casual work colleagues.

In this situation, the only people who were able to speak my language well enough were the teens and students I taught. So I began to ask them questions about puzzling behaviour that my wife sometimes did on a socio-cultural level. They helped me out a great deal and after a while, they told me about their problems, too.

Fast forward 10 years and my students now indulge in a range of activities their parents wouldn't approve of. Having spent all this time being friends, I find it relatively easy to accept the changes but this puts me into conflict with other teachers, who never bothered to make friends with any of the students. They began to criticize my choices, mainly because they had not spent enough time to understand teen issues and the generation gap that exists between parents and teens in Vietnam today.

Meanwhile, my wife contracted lung cancer in 2012. At that time, she declared that she was bored in our marriage. I realized that, despite being a good guy and staying a virgin until my wedding day, I had not really learned how to look after her and make her happy in our shared life together.

In the last 2 years, I have begun trying to socialize with adults and have not done too well so far. I now realize that I have practically no understanding of how adults think, having spent most of my career hanging out with teens. In particular, I can identify some reasons why -

1/ As a teenager, while everyone else was learning social skills, I was isolated
2/ When every other teenager had a boyfriend or girlfriend, I was friendzoned
3/ In their early twenties, they were having sexual relationships with each other, while I was hanging out with lesbians
4/ When they were becoming proficient at adult conversations, I was silently massaging women - learning lots about women but not developing conversational skills
5/ After I got married, they were hanging out in bars and restaurants, while I was at home with my wife and son
6/ While they could speak English to each other in their free time, I could only speak with my teens at work
7/ Now, when I want to hold conversations, they know how to do that and I don't

How about you? Can you relate? Do you feel like you missed out somewhere? Sometimes I think I made a mistake but I don't want to feel too bad about what has happened in my life - I'm proud of my wife and son and I am glad I have a family that supports me and I am grateful for everything in my life. However, that doesn't mean that I shouldn't improve and get to where I need to be to be able to have the marriage with my wife I want and the lifestyle that I want to achieve. Let's hope I can do that!

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Are Empowered Women Empowering Men?

ARE EMPOWERED WOMEN EMPOWERING MEN?

I am a British 1980's Generation X teenager and, as such, I grew up surrounded by powerful women. From having my country run by two women (H.M. the Queen and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, the Iron Lady) to Joan Collins in her shoulder pads as Alexis Colby in Dynasty, to the example of my own mother, whose rock-solid reliability and constant care for me inspires me to this day as the gold standard of motherhood in my eyes, I have always admired strong women and their ability to achieve in a world that, even in the 21^st. Century, is still way too male-dominated.

An empowered woman takes responsibility for her life, makes her own rules, honours herself, lives by her inner compass, values her passions, chooses empowering relationships, takes a stand, develops a relationship with fear (that is, she is courageous), empowers other women and owns her pleasure.

I like this definition. Certainly there is something very attractive about a woman who lives up to her own actions, decides what she wants, is comfortable in her body, trusts her feminine intuition, does what she loves, has high standards for her relationships, speaks her mind, is brave, sticks up for the sisterhood and has a healthy attitude towards sex.

The question for men is whether this fair creature represents a threat to us or should be welcomed. I argue for the latter. Indeed, I would further argue that any woman appearing to possess these qualities but who then uses them against men is not as empowered as she thinks she is.

I have always been somewhat suspicious of the rabidly anti-male feminist.

While the struggle for equality is real and the issues that still face women remain formidable, I have always sensed in my heart that the feminist who is seriously anti-men is not entirely happy with being female, either. Perhaps she feels weak, so attempts to look strong by trying to beat men at their own game, encouraging women to behave more like men to get ahead in life and career. It also pains me that so many feminists became feminists because a man in their lives did something bad to them. While Andrea Dworkin was the most famous example of this kind of feminist, I am encouraged by the fact that more mainstream figures in women's liberation, such as Germaine Greer, Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan and Shere Hite, had no such dreadful experiences.

I feel that a truly empowered woman does not look at men as “the competition” but rather invites men to be unthreatened by her femininity and sexuality and to be co-author of female equality together with her, confident that such a man is both her equal and a person worthy of respect.

Can such a man be found? The large number of rather wussy SNAGs (“Sensitive New-Age Guys”) and the number of women reading “50 Shades” suggests that he is rare. In a way, this is a rather sad state of affairs.

When I was a teenage boy in the 1980's, I always believed in women's empowerment. Of course men and women were created equal. I could hardly believe that the 1960's generation could ever believe otherwise. Weren't they the generation who thought blacks should be segregated, who thought gays should be locked up and who thought bombing Cambodia was a good way to stop the Vietnam War? How stupid. Of course the new generation of hip young things in the 1980's would never stoop to such ridiculous conclusions. We had Michael Jackson as the King of Pop, Madonna was a role model, British pop singers like Boy George and Culture Club paved the way for gay culture, Freddie Mercury from Queen was bisexual. What was wrong with the older generation?

Since then things haven't quite worked out. I thought it was wrong to ask a woman for sex straight out. No way would I ever make such a stupid mistake as to harass a woman at work. I thought men who did that were ignorant guys who cared nothing for feminism and had an attitude against women. However, some of the guys who grew up with these enlightened beliefs (not me, thank goodness) turned from the light when they realized that behaving in this way resulted in no sex and no girlfriend. Afraid to ask women for what they really wanted, they hoped that she would “get the hint” and when she didn't (because, actually, he gave no hint - because he thought it was wrong to do that), he turned from being a “nice guy” into being not-so-nice and complained that women had all the power and that they weren't nurturing enough. The 50% divorce rate didn't help either. Guys of my generation grew up in female-dominated families where the father was often absent or unavailable, so I, for one, have had significant issues acting like a man because I had no role model.

Now there is greater understanding of female sexuality and psychology than there was before. A new generation of guys are growing up realizing that there is a duality to femininity. The successful CEO in the boardroom also likes being submissive in the bedroom. She can believe in women's liberation and read “50 Shades” at the same time. She can choose to be an ethical slut or choose to wait for the right man because she believes she is worth it. She grew up in high school surrounded by women who chose to have relationships with their friends, regardless of whether those friends are male or female and she doesn't feel the need to label this behaviour as a definite sexuality. What's a little cunnilingus between friends? Does it have to mean she's bisexual? Can't she just hang out and be chill about whatever happens?

Today's teenage boys think this is normal. As a high school teacher, I've seen it. I don't want to see any more young girls growing up ashamed because their bodies don't live up to some ideal. I want her to listen to her womb and trust what it says, to be comfortable with her femininity and proud to be a woman. She can live her passions, fulfill her dream, achieve her life goals. I feel encouraged that teenage boys are already accepting this as the way it should be.

As for me, I absolutely love this type of woman. She challenges me to be the best I can be. She is courageous and that inspires me. Also, dare I say it – this woman is sexy. I want her – and it's safe to want her; because a woman confident in her sexuality knows she is attractive to a man who is confident in his.

In this way, then, a fully-empowered woman can empower men to rise above the stereotypes of the past to become the fully-confident man he has always wanted to be and to share that confident life with her; and if all men embraced this, this world would be better off for it.

Here's an infographic about sexual harassment in the workplace that you might find useful -

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My Opinion on the Law of Attraction

MY OPINION ON THE LAW OF ATTRACTION

One of the most popular concepts in Personal Development over the last few years has been the phenomenon known as the Law of Attraction. It is the subject of widespread public interest and has been the subject of a huge number of e-books and other digital products, all claiming to be able to change people's lives by giving them affirmations that force "the Universe" to give people everything they wish for. Simply by saying an affirmation such as "I attract money effortlessly into my life" repeatedly, the Law of Attraction states that you will attract this money by forcing "the Universe" to listen to you and this will allow doors in your life to open and the promised money to appear.
This started maybe some 20 years ago, although things really started moving when a movie called "The Secret" came out in 2006 that popularized the Law of Attraction and brought it into mainstream thought. Since then a wide range of "gurus" have come out that practise this Law and numerous success stories have been reported, although there have also been a large number of negative events, too. It is heavily supported by Oprah Winfrey, who has read many books on the subject and recommends these books to her many fans.

So, as a Personal Development expert myself, what's my take on all of this?

I am a Roman Catholic and I always try to give you the best advice. I consider being a Roman Catholic to be an advantage in Personal Development, since the teachings of the Catholic Church have been refined and refined to a high degree of accuracy and its dedication to the Truth of Jesus Christ and to the way things really are have impressed me. I was blown away by the pinpoint theological accuracy of the "Summa Theologica" of Saint Thomas Aquinas, who goes into absolutely painstaking detail on a wide range of topics regarding the spiritual life and the meaning of sin, the teaching of the Church, how to go to Heaven, virtues, vices, the soul, philosophy and a whole bunch of other stuff. I mean, this guy is just dead-on. There are not many heresies and errors that can get past him, and if any do, then there's always Saint Augustine to knock them down!

So, not only as a Personal Development expert, but also as a Roman Catholic, I am morally obliged to inform you, on pain of sin requiring confession to absolve it, that, in its absolute sense, the Law of Attraction is a heresy. The Law of Attraction states that "the Universe" can be controlled by Man using his own mental power. Since practitioners state that "the Universe" is a synonym for God, this is tantamount to saying that Man has power over God and can become "like God" (which is Satan's greatest ambition). Furthermore, I have to tell you that the Catholic Church has seen this all before. We are the oldest denomination, and most heresies have already been thought of years ago and have just been recycled over and over throughout the past 2,000 years. So I have to tell you that attempting to control inanimate objects and the behaviour of other people using the power of occult forces and your own brain is a very old-fashioned sin. It's called SORCERY. It breaks the First Commandment ("Thou shalt have no other god before me") and is against the virtue of religion, where we render worship to God on account of His Goodness. So there!

So now, having laid down the law and given you the hard word, it's time for the good news. I believe that, in a more restricted sense, there is some benefit in some of the actions performed by those who believe in the Law of Attraction. The Law of Attraction needs to be reined in so that it is within the boundaries of right reason and empirical science. On a personal level, I believe that it is acceptable to look at the Law of Attraction as "an atheist's name for Divine Providence". Many events take place in the world and I believe as a matter of faith that God moves people and things in such a way that all His creatures are directed to their natural end - rain feeds the soil, plants grow, food is available for animals to live and breathe, dead organisms decompose into the soil to provide minerals and sustenance for the next generation, and so on. In the lives of human beings, God often directs this or that person or thing to serve His interests and bring His people to the life that He has chosen for them on this earth, so that His Will be done. Thus, to the believer in God, many seemingly unconnected events can be viewed through the eyes of faith to be willed by God so that we arrive at our supernatural end, which is to enjoy the Beatific Vision of God in Heaven.

Now, as for "the Universe", this can be construed, as even a Law of Attraction practitioner can attest, as a synonym for God. So "asking the Universe" just means "asking God". Many practitioners complain that the Law of Attraction doesn't always work. This can be explained by simply stating that what you are asking for is not in accordance with the Will of God. God wants the best for you but to know what He wants is to seek His Will. To ask for a Ferrari to suddenly appear outside your house tomorrow morning may not be God's Will for you. The fact is, you need to face up to the fact that if you are an unemployed bricklayer living in a trailer park with debts up to your eyeballs and the IRS knocking on your door, that Ferrari is not going to arrive any day soon! You need to wake up to reality, quit fiddling around with the Law of Attraction and start pounding the sidewalk to look for a job. TAKE ACTION towards your goals, make things happen and constantly bet on yourself. DO THIS FIRST, and then ask God if it is His Will for you to have this or that job interview. See which doors open and which doors close. If two doors are open, that's when you should ask God which one to take. If you want to know God's Will, start by trying to do His Will on your current knowledge of Who He Is. So get started on the Ten Commandments and make it your daily habit to obey all of them. God will see this and doors will open. Obeying His Commandments means leaving old habits and pastimes behind. This may involve some sacrifices but that is to be expected. "Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me," says the Lord.

As for affirmations, I view these as simply prayers. Talking with God is praying. That's fine. Everyone should do that more!

What about the phenomenon of people "manifesting" things and "their subconscious mind hears this" and stuff actually starts happening in their lives? Well, I feel that science can explain this. Constant repetition of one dominant thought over and over again creates neural pathways in the brain due to a feature of brain circuitry that scientists call "plasticity". This is where often-used neural pathways strengthen and become more numerous the more they are exercised, while neural pathways that are only occasionally used atrophy and weaken and finally disappear. The subconscious mind is not well-understood by science but I believe that it CAN have some considerable effect on our thought patterns. Thinkers such as Sigmund Freud spoke of the "id", the "ego" and the "superego", where the "id" is the reptilian brain, the base, animalistic primitive brain close to the brain stem which he viewed as being carnal, instinctive and mainly concerned with immediate gratification of simple bodily urges. The "id" is controlled by both the "ego" and "superego". I'm not sure I agree with everything Freud said but I feel that the subconscious mind does have an "underground" influence on conscious thought patterns but that this influence is moderated by the conscious mind (Freud's "ego") and our values and beliefs on what is right or wrong (the "superego"). I feel that if a Law of Attraction practitioner consistently "manifests" the same thing over and over, neural pathways in that person's brain concerning the thing he is manifesting will be strengthened. This in turn leads to heightened sensitivity and awareness to outside events that take place in that person's life that could have a possible connection to this dominant thought. This heightened awareness allows the practitioner to seize upon opportunities related to the "manifested" thing more quickly and effectively, where, previously, a more "average" awareness would have not noticed any perceived connection and the opportunity would have slid by. Thus the practitioner is able to perhaps benefit from suddenly taking action on these events and so the likelihood of the "manifested" thing actually happening in real life is increased.

So that's my opinion on the Law of Attraction. In summary then, I can advise you of the following -

1. In its absolute sense, the practice of the Law of Attraction represents an attempt by Man to control his destiny and the lives of others using occult forces and his own mental power, and this action is traditionally known as sorcery. It is gravely immoral and under no circumstances can I ever recommend this practice to you as a means to achieve your dream life.

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2. However, in a more restricted sense, the practice of the Law of Attraction can be a healthy way to focus your mind on achievement and to become alert to possibilities that life offers you, and render you more ready and able to take action to achieve your life goals, while at the same time allowing you the freedom to adhere to your usual rational beliefs concerning faith and science. This more restricted sense should be defined as follows -

(a) "The Universe" is God.
(b) "The Law of Attraction" is Divine Providence.
(c) "Affirmations" are prayers.
(d) "Manifesting" is using mental repetition of a single dominant thought in order to create strengthened neural pathways in the brain, which leads to heightened awareness of life events that have some possible connection to the manifested desire, and a greater readiness to seize such opportunities as they arise, so that progress towards life goals can be made more efficiently, thus allowing the manifested desires to become a reality more often.

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I can therefore recommend this more restricted practice to you as a healthy way to pursue your life dreams!

How I Have Changed As I've Got Older

HOW I'VE CHANGED AS I'VE GOT OLDER

When I was a teenager, responsibility was something to be avoided – a clear and present danger to wild, all-night parties, hanging out with friends and basic youth freedom – I couldn't tell my parents EVERYTHING, could I? I needed to create “arenas of privacy” - I'LL DECIDE who knows what about me, what information flows are going in and out about my life, who's a best friend, acquaintance or stranger; it was necessary to keep control! All embarrassment had to be lived down; all coolness had to be played up to the max!

However, the crunch came when I laid in bed one night when I was 26 and thought about the tendency of London Underground passengers to ignore passengers who fall down with a heart attack or get attacked by robbers, continuing to read their copies of the London Evening Standard and pretending nothing was happening. I was shocked and realised that my life in the big city, so important to me, was important to no one else. Nobody would miss me or even know I was gone if I died right then. Terrible!

I began to think that it would be really nice if some other human being could care about my life and dreams. At first, I thought I needed to get a male friend but a few days later, I decided that some of the issues I wanted to talk to him about were kind of personal – about relationships, sex and all that. I wouldn't like a guy to know that stuff. I also would really like it if that person could hang around for a long time, possibly for the rest of my life. So, finally, after more than quarter of a century, my IQ of about 126 came to the conclusion that I wanted a relationship with a woman – a girlfriend!

I was also suffering from anxiety. I struggled with this until, one day, I picked up the King James Bible 1611 from a bookshop on the Fulham Road. That was the start of my adventure in faith with God.

A few months later, I decided to return and purchase that Bible. I tried to read it but it was heavy-going at first. I intended to read it from cover to cover. I made great progress on Genesis and Exodus but then dramatically slowed down on Leviticus. So I made a simple commitment – I would just focus on trying to keep the Ten Commandments – nothing else.

Most difficult was trying not to tell lies. I usually just told “white lies” but choosing to shut up or else live up to my promises was tough. However, I persevered.

After some months of this, I still had no idea where I was going but I began to be able to look back at the path I had travelled and saw a pattern emerging. There was a general trend to becoming a good person, one that hadn't been there before. Further, I knew that I had made no deliberate decision to carve out such a path. I decided to logically extrapolate this trend into the future and felt that it could lead to high levels of holiness and possibly Heaven if I kept it up. So I continued!

I began to ask God for instructions. At first, it was difficult to listen to my heart and figure out which message was the Holy Spirit and which was just me wanting to do what I wanted. However, I began to feel which one was correct. I then used the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes of Christ to guide my behaviour and anything I wasn't sure about I submitted to the Holy Spirit. Using dichotomous key (“Do you want me to do this or that?”) I envisioned doing the thing I wanted to ask about. A light, happy feeling meant that it was the Will of God for me. A heavy, ominous, dark feeling meant it was not. I repeated this several times to make sure I got the same result. Sure enough, following all the happy, light feelings resulted in greater holiness and life improvement.

This led to the development of the supernatural virtue of Hope. Now I could have a reasonable expectation of eternal life if I kept up this practice. It occurred to me that I should submit all my future plans to Him. This led to my leaving London and gaining a position on a cruise ship sailing out of Port Canaveral, Florida. During my single days, I kept up my practice. There were times when I felt concerned about some of the stuff God was showing me. Some crewmembers smoked and drank. There was a Social Hostess who previously worked as a pole dancer, prostitute and pornstar. There was a bisexual woman who had sex with 3 men in one night. In my travels, I met pot-smokers, drug addicts, former Colombian bounty hunters, tramps and down-and-outs, plus I was homeless for 2 nights in Australia. However, I never did any of the things the other people did. I was still a virgin and just turned up to the parties I was invited to. I met gays and lesbians and all kinds of people.

Later, I ended up in Vietnam, where I met my wife. We got married in the Catholic Church and were virgins on our wedding day. We had a baby boy the next year and I became a high school teacher for Vietnamese teens.

I loved my job taking care of my students and felt very happy. However, in 2012, some of them develop some antisocial behaviours. They started smoking shisha, then tobacco. Then came alcohol consumption, underage sex and teen pregnancy. There was the murder of two students and some of my teens identified as gay, lesbian or bisexual. Now one former Grade 12 student has chosen to become a prostitute and uploads sexy videos to porn sites. I was surprised to find that my previous experience in my 20's was ideal for taking care of them and giving appropriate advice. Other teachers with less life experience felt intimidated by some of the students' behaviour and didn't want to get involved.

Now I am planning to set up an afterschool activity centre that focuses on giving them the skills and attitudes to find success in life and make their dreams come true.

It's a big responsibility but I'm not scared of that any more. I have great faith that everything that has happened to me has purpose in God's Plan. I feel delighted at how things have turned out and I feel excited about the future.

So don't be afraid of getting older or facing responsibility. Understand that everything that has happened to you can help others. Have a strong belief that even the most negative things can create character and give meaning and hope to other people who need it. Safe in this regard, we can then move forward in confidence to face the future.

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What I Would Tell My Bullies Today

WHAT I WOULD TELL MY BULLIES TODAY

I am writing this as a victim and survivor of bullying, which I suffered from the age of three to 16. I was also physically, verbally and emotionally abused from birth to six years old.

My father was the worst. His violent temper, constant lies and evasion of responsibility, his yelling and accusations, were the beginning. He would pick me up and shake me, hit me and hit me until I cried. I remember the tense atmosphere. I can recall running up the stairs, him chasing me. “Nooooo!” I cried, but then his hands were on me and I felt blow after blow rain down. Another time he picked me up and threw me across the room. Then there was the time he threw me against the wall, slamming me against it. He even tried to throw me out of the window. I was in constant worry of something setting him off. I wanted to reach out, to emotionally connect but time and time again, I was ferociously rebuffed. I wanted to cry because I felt sad but that made him angry, too. So I kept my feelings to myself. I was terrified of receiving another round of hitting. When would it come? So I was fearful of sharing with others in case I got hurt – not just physically but emotionally, too. I began to dream that this was possible. I dreamed of a life where everyone surrounded me, everybody loved me and I could be safe. Every time I got hurt, I would zoom off to this dreamworld to escape. I thought I must be a terrible person to get this punishment. So I developed Avoidant Personality Disorder. Daddy did that.

Then there was the school bully at elementary school. He was stocky, slightly overweight, mean and threatening. One day I had to go outside the classroom because I left something in my bag in the cloakroom. While I was there, the bully showed up. Maybe he skipped his class. He saw me and an opportunity. He came up to me and asked me what I was doing. After I replied, he told me he thought I was stupid because of the way I used to pretend to drive a car around the playground (I had a vivid imagination – you know, thanks to my father – see above). He told me only crazy people do that and began to rough me up. He pushed and shoved me around, grabbed my bag and kicked it away. Then he pushed me down and tussled with my clothes. I was very frightened, since I was still extremely shy. Then he got up and threatened me with dire consequences if I told anyone. So I told no one.

There were also the twins from another class at Camborne School (1984-1988) who saw me in the school library when I was 15. “It's interrogation time,” they began, ominously, sitting down next to me. “Are you mature yet? How many times a week do you masturbate? So, how do you make babies? Have you ever kissed a girl? Are you still a virgin? Why haven't you lost your virginity yet? Do you want a girlfriend? If you were in bed with a girl, what would you do first? Can you ejaculate? Do you have 'wet dreams'?” I'm using all the polite vocabulary for this article but actually, they used the slangy, rude stuff, so just use your imagination as to how it really sounded. This went on for about 45 minutes. After they left, I felt extremely upset, tearful and with that kind of gasping, lump-in-your-throat type of feeling. I decided I had had enough. I kept silent and serious for the rest of the day, then went home. I finally poured it all out in front of my parents. My third dad carefully wrote down everything in a notebook and telephoned the school to make an appointment. He was great. There was a meeting with the headmaster and some top people and their parents came to speak to my parents. The twins were punished and there was a dramatic reduction in the teasing I received from them and others. I was left alone from then on and my final 6 months at school passed pleasantly and without incident.

Now, of course, I am a Certified Life Coach, able to use my knowledge of adverse early life experiences to advise clients on how to get out of these negative childhood backgrounds and into a new life, where they feel confident to make the decisions they need to make to achieve the dream life they've always wanted in a way that is meaningful for them and brings them peace.

If I met my bullies today, I would offer forgiveness. Not only because forgiveness is powerful and not just because I think I'm a “nice guy”. Rather because I now have some of the insight I lacked at that time.

To my father, who is now dead, I would say: “I know why you did what you did. Your anger and selfishness and constant lying was the result of your bossy, self-opinionated, “couldn't take-no-for-an-answer” mother, who, when you were a kid, badgered you and bossed you around and, when something bad happened, would interrogate you mercilessly until you told the truth. Then she would give you such a hard time about what you did when you told her that you learned it was easier to tell a lie to keep the peace. You felt unheard and your own opinion was dismissed in favour of hers. I can understand how this made you angry, made you feel like you should put your own needs first and made you tell lies. I can forgive you for that. However, you chose to take it out on my mum and me and couldn't handle being married. Instead of turning to the light and searching for the truth, you chose to exert yourself by being even worse than your mother in some attempt to make your own mark. In so doing, you lost Mum and your children and never saw me again for the last 24 years of your life.”

To the elementary school bully, I would say: “I don't know where you are or what you are doing now but I now understand that you behaved the way you did probably because you had a bad family background. You hadn't been taught how to share uncomfortable and negative feelings and saw in me everything you hated – the weakness, shyness and insecurity that you yourself were trying to cover up. Is that right?”

To the twins, I would say: “You shouldn't have done what you did. I know it must have been frustrating to see me living in a dreamworld, talking to imaginary people and being shy and awkward and saying silly things. You couldn't understand what I was doing and I couldn't explain it either. I can forgive you for getting impatient with me. However, you chose to treat me like an idiot and assumed a negative cause and the questions you asked me were designed to make me feel small and stupid. I hope the punishment you received will make you think twice before you treat anyone like that again in the future.”

I would then invite all four of them to learn what I have learned and embrace the life and light that I have found and work with them as their Life Coach to achieve their dreams, confident that, in my experiencing them at their worst, they will be inspired by their former victim to uncover their deepest insecurities and find the means to leverage that into a life that's something better.

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